It’s the year 2000 and I am 28 years old. The phone rings. I answer, “Hi dad. How are you? Jonna, he says, I am not good. I feel like Gremlins are eating me from the inside out. I can’t take it any longer. I am calling to say I love you & goodbye.” Then he hangs up the phone! He was going to take his life. I was in Laguna Niguel, California and he was in Edmonton, Canada. I was in shock and didn’t know what to do. I remember I could barely breathe. I immediately called my aunt who I knew was the only one that could help me. He was an Alcoholic. He had Cirrhosis of the Liver and was not fond of doctors or the hospital. To my relief, my aunt found him at one of his local hangouts. She scooped him up and took him to her house. She gave him a place to sleep and I felt so relieved. He was safe… So I thought.
Two weeks later, I got the call. I was at my sister in-law’s place for her wedding in Sacramento. My dad took his life. My worst nightmare had just come true. I remember feeling so bad that I was crying because everyone around me was there for a wedding. I felt as though I was ruining the special memories that were supposed to take place. I immediately went into the back room and sobbed. I am his only daughter. I not only had just lost my dad, it was up to me to get this mess cleaned up.
When I arrived in Canada I was numb. I had no idea that it was about to get worse. My dad hanged himself in my aunts basement. She found him. He left her a note. It read in terrible, shaky, barely legible writing “I’m downstairs.” I felt so bad that my aunt had to go through that. This just added to my guilt.
I had to go the police station to claim his things. They handed me a ring and his watch and his wallet. I remember looking at the police officer and he had no emotion. He didn’t have any desire to console me and I felt like I was a number. I remember holding those things tightly in my hands, as it was all I had left of my dad.
The next day I tried to contact his ex-girlfriend. She refused to speak to me. I was in shock. It was so BIZARRE. The funeral home called me stating she was trying to take his ashes. I put a stop to that. Then she had a separate funeral for him. None of the family knew. I felt as though I was in the twilight zone for real.
I remember saying at the funeral, “I don’t know why it is that we have to go through things of this nature, but I do know that because of this I will be stronger.” Many people were trying to cover up the Suicide because of my family’s religion and they were telling people he had a heart attack. It was all so confusing. I really learned a lot about people and how they react when someone dies.
This had to be one of the most difficult times in my life. I felt so alone. My husband couldn’t come with me to Canada because we were young & had a daughter to take care of. My best friend became really awkward. I did my best not to take all this personally. I had a favorite saying, “It is what it is.”
Six months went by and it was Thanksgiving. I was in Rosarito, Mexico. I was a mess. I locked myself in our bedroom, blacked the room out and curled into a ball for days. My husband was alarmed. I think he thought I was losing my mind. I think I was. I needed to get a grip! I was not being kind to myself and as I see it now, I was only negatively hypnotizing myself and it was only going to get worse. He got angry with me and finally made me get up. He opened the windows. There was light in the room. He made me put on colorful clothes. He made me get out of my head. Interestingly enough, that is when I found a book in the condo called Beyond Fear by Don Miguel Ruiz, Author of The Four Agreements. This book changed my life. I believe it was my sign to the beginning of finding my own purpose in life.
Because of this traumatic event I began having anxiety and panic attacks. When I got back from Mexico, I made a doctor’s appointment. Just the night before, I was on-line searching for guided meditations that could help me with this ball in my throat. I could barely swallow, I had such terrible anxiety. That is when I found EFT. This stands for Emotional Freedom Technique. Gary Craig is the originator and it is a form of Acupressure and Affirmations of Self Love. I decided to do one of the tutorials on the site and it was amazing! The discomfort switched to my arm. Then I felt this sense of energy move down my arm and the ball of energy release out my hand. I could actually feel it. Several hours later I felt amazing. Working on my emotions helped me physically. The next morning I called my mom. I told her I found a technique online and I that it helped me a great deal. “Oh geez Jonna. You have been suffering awhile now. Are you still going to your appointment? Yes, I replied. I am going.”
So that morning I went to my doctor. But this time was different than any other. Usually I would hyperventilate when I told my story. This time I did not. I was calm. The ball in my throat was gone and I honestly didn’t feel the need to be there! I told her I felt OK, but she insisted on giving me samples of Paxil and wrote me a prescription. I walked out the door and threw those samples away! I knew I had found something that was natural and had already helped me. I was confident in my body’s own ability to heal. I knew the trauma I had faced caused these health issues and I felt deeply that I could overcome them. I began to get a little excited. I loved EFT so much that I became a Practitioner. After about 3 years of becoming an EFT Practitioner, I became a Hypnotherapist. They compliment each other greatly.
I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. And even though my dad committed suicide – had that not happened, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I would not be on this path of helping people change their lives. I am so very blessed to have found my calling.
So remember, you may be going through one of the most difficult times in your life, but there is a lesson to be learned and you will grow because of it. You can decide to be a survivor or a victim. It really is up to you. This I just know.
Mind Over Matter Hypnotherapy